"Oooooh! Allow me to introduce meself! My name is..." well you know
who that is, don't you, boys and girls! Yes! If you are listening now, which you should be,
or you have just done... to 'Wasted Years', ooooh an Adrian Smith composition, and
'Reach Out' by a guy called Dave Calwell, and 'The Sheriff Of Huddersfield'.
Yeeeess, the sheriff, the one and only, Mr. Rodney Smallwood who we shall be
speaking lots and lots and loads of verbal about very shortly. First of all, let me
move this little scrap of paper out of the way, so I can speak to this stupid microphone
without the f... <hits microphone>... stupid headphones falling off! Right! Yes.
Adrian's first single as a writer... A-side of the band and all that. Bleedin' good stuff!
Do you know that that song means that there is no good looking to lost opportunities
in the past? Well who does, stupid people! Uh, you should always take hold of the present.
Ah! That reminds me, I tied a bow on my boy last night, and that's what she said to me then...
let's take hold of the present! Eh? No? Don't you get it? Don't you get it?...stupid people...
Anyway! Haha! 'Reach Out' has Adrian singing, which is on the B-side, on the old
mumbling jumbling vocals, and he used to play in a band called Urchin! Yuuurchin...
get out of it! And, he had a bloke in the band called Dave Colwell, and I believe
Andy Barnett was in there, we'll talk about him in a minute. Anyway, we had a
little band called The Entire Population Of Hackney, see? And we did this little song,
as we did... oh yes by the way, we've got 'Stranger In A Strange Land' and 'That Girl'
and 'Juanita', <drums and sings>... "I'm never going back Juanita...
I'm never going back... At all" Right! Now, that was written by a guy called
Derek O'Neil and a guy called Steve Barnacle. But first of all, yes, I'd better give you
the release date, which was the 22nd of November 1986. And it reached the chart position
of 22, the avenue... ah! Anyway, nevertheless, yes. Stranger In A Strange Land...
I will mention this because 'That Girl' and 'Juanita', which were on the B-side of this
were actually songs that we recorded... Um, you know, with me and Adrian,
just playing them on our own. Now not alot of people know that. But we did.
The rest of the lazy gits in the band, they couldn't be bothered to learn the poxy song!
So we went in there and recorded it ourselves! They said... 'Arry goes, "I don't f'kin'
know this..." "Well go learn it!" He said, "well f'kin' why don't you
record it, then I'll learn it." "Well that's a bit silly, innit?" He said,
"No, go on. You get your f'kin' butts in there, the pair of you. You know the song,
you do it!" So we did. And it turned out pretty good, didn't it? So those three
songs were done like that.
Anyway, talking of... talking of 'That Girl' by the way, for a second. A guy called
Andy Barnett wrote that song. Talking of Barnets, you know Barnet fair... rhymes
with hair... I went out the other night with this f'kin' red-head. No, no hair, just a
f'kin' red head! Hahahaha! Anyway! Moving back, yes. Wasted Years,
did mention it was released the 6th of September 1986? That one, by the way,
reached the chart position of 18. And that wasn't bad was it? Nice one for H, first...
first A-side, as I said, that he's written.
And then, moving on, it says here 'Sheriff Of Huddersfield' as you very well know
because you've just bloody listened to it, haven't you, you lucky lot. Now, I got to
give you a little bit of history on our Rod Smallwood, our governor there, our second
in command. Now, you picture this... there he is, living in the hills... Los... a little place
called Los Angeles, a little speck on the map. Los f'kin' Angeles, it's called. And,
he's living up in his little castle there, which is sort of up beyond the rainbow, see?
Which is off the Sunset Strip. Anyway, he misses... he enormously misses his HP
sauce, his can of mashy peas, his pork pies, and his rugby, and his cricket. Now,
as you know, over in the great US of A, they've got this f'kin' abbreviation sort of game,
or sort of a mixture game of rugby, and they call it f'kin' football! Stupid twits, it ain't
nothing like football, is it? Anyway, nevertheless. He don't want to settle for that,
he's wants all this... "Yooooo me old cronies, oooh jeezzz I missum all so much
oh I'm drinking down at the pub five bloody pints of Yorkshire bitter with me pals,
yooooo mamby pambies for me, oooooo."
So he misses it real big time, so there he is living out in the foothills of Los Angeles,
so he thinks, "Here I know what I'll do! Yooooo, I'll get meself a bloody satellite
and I'll stick it on top the bloody roof, and I can tune into all them bloody bleedin'
bojack company's coverage of the first, second, and third, and any bloody test match
I can get my hands on." Plus all these rugby bits and pieces. So, he calls out
this firm and he gets this satellite stuck on his roof, and the guy... <Hispanic accent>
"ah si amigo! I have it all working for you now! There's nothing wrong! It's all cool..."
So and Rod goes, "Ok, well you f'kin' well wait there, let me go and have a look."
And he presses the buttons, right? And what does he get? All the American programmes...
all these poxy South American things with all these "whoabluaahabluahablee"...
all that stuff going on, and you don't know what the f'kin' hell mumbo jumling they're doing,
and they don't even have a clue what a f'kin' rugby ball looks like. So, he's pissed off!
"Yoooo bloody no good to me! You know how much bloody money I spent on this
bloody piece of shit! Dooooo, I can't even get my bloody bleedin bojack company!
Oooooo, I've had enough!" So, oh I should add, ladies and gentlemen, that he's
moved back to England! Haha, God bless him. Anyway, he wanted us to go out there
and live with him. You know, he said "Yoooo, come on guys... yoooo...
Nicky come and live here... bloody great... we can do that together... Doooo, I've got
me own little corner of the rainbow, Ooooo, I've got my own mushy-piece pizza, and all
that stuff good." Dear old Keith Wilfort, God bless him, he used to have to record
all the old test matches and rugby games and send them Federal Express overnight to Rod,
'cause he needed to keep up with it. You know, so it was real serious for him out there.
And so, we had this song that Adrian had written that we had recorded on the
Somewhere In Time album... at that period of time. And we thought,
well come on then, let's put some words to this song, 'cause we didn't actually
have any words. So, as it transpires, we decided to write a song about Rod, and
we'd call it 'The Sheriff Of Huddersfield'. By the way, I didn't tell ya... I hasting away...
he actually is from Huddersfield, "Yoooo, bloody up North, yoooo,"
a hundred kilometres due north of Watford. Anyway! We all sat down, I was actually
out of the room for about half an hour or fourty minutes before this... before we know,
before... I walked in the room, everybody was sitting down, roadies, Steve Gadd,
you know, Mike Kenney, Robbie Price, and Bill Barkeley, they were all in there...
couple of studio engineers that were friendly to the band and that, and anybody....
But mind you, really it was only the band and the crew cause they knew Rod,
so everybody came up with these ideas, and sort of the lyrics were down together
by the whole lot of us. So, there's a bit in the middle isn't it, where Roddy goes...
Bruce actually, goes, "Yooooo, allow me to introduce myself, my name is
Rodney and I'm immensely strong! I can lift five navvies on the end of a shovel!"
And it goes on like... well in that section, there's just a little spot where Bruce had to do
that narrative bit, and he basically ad-libbed it. We had some... he had some notes,
but he really just kind of blew through it, and it came out perfectly at the end of that sort
of little solo section where Bruce does that little part. And so when he did it we were
absolutely creased up, we could not believe it, we just started laughing and Martin Birch...
Martin Jarr, the Gov'nor, or the animal, Birch, and all the good name and things we gave him
over the years. He couldn't stop laughing, all the knobs were getting all butted out of place
and everyone was screaming and laughing and riotous. And thats how we sort of formulated
'The Sheriff Of Huddersfield'.
But it was funny. And we thought, what's Rod gonna do... Oh whoah, by the way,
one other thing about that was we couldn't let him know about it, 'cause we thought,
well if he find's out about it, he'll be onto the governors down at EMI there, and he'll be
going, "Yoooo, bloody having none of that! Give us the bloody master tape!
Yoooo, I'll bloody eat it! Give it to me now!" And so we thought well we'd better
not let them... let him know. So we actually got in touch with the people at EMI
and said to them, whatever you do, don't let Rod know there's a third track on this single.
And keep it hidden from him, and you know don't let him hear anything until you've
pressed it, cut the single, and it's all... cut it and pressed it and it's all ready to go.
So, it was one of the best kept secrets in the business at that time, 'cause if he'd have
found out, "Yooooo! That's it!" After he heard it, he said "That's it,
yoooo! You're fired, the bloody lot of you! Yooooo, I don't want to be your manager!
Yoooo." We said, "Sorry. We're gonna hold you to your f'kin' contract,
so there!" Hahahaha! No, God bless him, he took it great... he sort of gave us
a bit of a hard time for awhile, but I think he saw the error of his ways and he moved back
to England and now he's happier and he lives happily ever after down the road with his missus,
Kathy. So! Hi Kath! How you doing! <whistles>
Anyway! Yes, Stranger In A Strange Land, that's moving on, I've only got
a few minutes now to tell you about the sleeve for this here single. And, 'Stranger
In A Strange Land' was based on a story that Adrian had read in the newspaper
about and expedition that got lost in the North Pole... silly gits! 'Course they f'kin' get
lost, there's no signposts up there, are there? And they found some frozen bodies
almost perfectly preserved... I wonder what parts were not preserved... hmmm...
Anyway! Adrian, apparently he met one of the expedition who was a survivor....
I guess he must have been a bit old, eh, it was f'kin' years ago. I dunno. Anyway no,
he bought the album because of the song, apparently, and now he's actually one of
Maiden's top fans. So there, stuff that up your jacksie, see! Anyway, there we go,
say no more. Yes, oh well yes, I was going to say about the sleeve for this here
distinguished sleeve, as we looked at it we see Eddie, don't we? And he, who's
he look like? Eh? "Go ahead punk! Make my day!" Buuuh! Yes, Clint
Eastwood no less, himself! I wonder if he seen this, I wonder what he thought when
he that grotesque Eddie, looking like him with the old cigarette in the gob. You know,
standing in that stupid bar with all them silly twits around him from Star Wars
and all that stuff, you know. Well there you go, Eddie was Clint Eastwood in that, well see.
And yeah, good song, good single! And thanks to you guys, chart position 22 as I said,
released the 22nd of November as I said, if I didn't... <hits microphone>.... too bad!
Don't you die on me this time, microphone... There you go!
Oh by the way, just to mention that Andy Barnett and Dave Calwell who both have songs
on the B-sides of that there Wasted Years and Stranger In A Strange Land
are actually performing, yes, no less performing... no you twits, playing the guitars on
Adrian's solo album which is called As Soon As Possible, I guess, or Adrian Smith
and Pals, or Azzap, or as about...ap, or whatever. You can work it out, you can come up
with your own abbreviation for that. But, there you go, listen to that, sweet stuff! I'm going.
I've been in here too bleeding long, I'm going down to the pub now. You've gotta admit
I deserve it by now, I've sat in this place and I've gotta go. That's all there is to it.